Indoor Allotment Gift

 ‘Growing your own vegetables is food for the mind and body’*  Well, that’s what Bob from down the garden centre said, and he’s about 105 years old and looks like he’s got radishes growing out of his ears, so he should know. Love our Indoor Allotment Gift

Allotments. There’s the growing of vegetables, sure. But allotments exist mainly to house ramshackle sheds that hide hen-pecked husbands sunk in mouldering armchairs drinking endless cups of tea, listening to the cricket on a radio they bought in the 1950’s,  who, without apparently ever touching the soil, end up growing onions the size of pumpkins and strawberries so sweet they’ll make you weep.

This gift offers all of that – without the shed, the husband, the tea, the cricket or the delicious produce. On the plus side, you don’t have to go outside (This gift is so lockdown**), and you might end up with something you can eat. (We’re a bit worried we could go right out the other side of crap with this one and it ends up being, well, not crap. Which would be crap.)

So, if you know anyone that looks hungry, give them this gift.  We dare you.

Suitable for:

Anyone not living under a bush

Vegetarians

Agoraphobics

The Mustertrapton family from Eccles

INSTRUCTIONS

• Stop looking out of the window, it won’t help
• Decide where your allotment is going to live – corner of a room, table, windowsill, somewhere that gets a lot of light.
• Construct your allotment using the following: – a small container for your allotment, some soil/compost or compost substitute (dirt isn’t for everyone – get creative, shredded newspaper, pet sawdust maybe?)
• Spend some time deciding which of the cardboard veg you’re going to cultivate
• Arrange the veg in the allotment taking care to leave enough space between for them to grow
• If you’re using actual seeds, please consult an experienced gardener at this point – we can’t help you
• Otherwise – Congratulations! You have created your Indoor Allotment

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Throw caution to the wind and provide some seeds. You know, stuff that will turn into actual food.

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