Paddling Experience



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The Paddling Experience

We took our inspiration for this gift from that great apocryphal work on paddling – Dr Foster

Dr Foster went to Gloucester in the pouring rain

He stepped in a puddle right up to his middle

And never went back there again

If a doctor can experience extreme paddling and survive then the kind of crap paddling we’re offering will be a walk in the park by comparison.*

Suitable for:       Kids

Anyone that isn’t Dr Foster

People that can’t swim

Adrenalin junkies


Go outside
Pick a paddling location (see below for location specific instructions)

Paddling in the Sea

Go to a beach where the sea is easily accessible
Choose a sunny day or it’ll be crap
We recommend removing your shoes and socks/boots/slippers/kung fu shoes before stepping into the water
Splosh your feet happily through the shallow water as it rolls onto the sand

Important note

If the water reaches higher than the knee this is no longer the paddling experience – this is wading

If the water reaches higher than the waist and your feet are off the sand – this is swimming

Turn around and go back to the shallows – wading and swimming are NOT covered by this experience

Paddling anywhere else

We recommend wearing wellingtons to maximize the paddling experience
When you find a puddle you like the look of – stop, wait, bend your knees, put both feet together and JUMP! (If you can’t commit to the JUMP, go home.)
If you’re worried about drowning, take a friend who can help pull you out
If you can’t find any puddles look for paddling pools, burst water mains, garden hoses.

Congratulations – you have survived The Paddling Experience!

If you’ve enjoyed buying this gift, then why not check out our equally as crap present the Ultimate Dirty Weekend Experience


Crap Presents Delivery Information

We do only post within the UK

We do post to BFPO (British Forces Post Office) addresses, as long as it has a UK postcode

Envelopes are provided loose inside the postage envelope for you to use, if the crap present is not personalised and delivered directly, as specified during the checkout process.

We post ALL Crap Presents second class. This is the ONLY postal service we provide – we do not offer an alternative crap service.

Once the purchase has been made, they are posted the next working day. (i.e, if ordered on a Monday, we will be posting the item on the following Tuesday). If an order has been made on a Friday, this will be posted the following Monday. (unless this is a bank holiday and then we wont bother)

We post Monday to Friday ONLY.

The postal service is provided by Royal Mail and they claim to deliver the item the following day after posting, although the service can take anytime up to 5 WORKING DAYS.

We don’t have any control over the service Royal Mail provide – although we are always happy to help if the item has still not arrived after the 5 WORKING DAYS. Our Crap Presents are usually received within 2-3 working days.

If you have NOT received your order within 5 WORKING DAYS, please do contact us as there may have been an issue with the postal service. Our presents may be crap but we will do our best to help.

The address we use to post to comes from the details on you order – therefore please ensure these details are correct at the time of purchase as we cannot change the address once it has been posted. Please do contact us asap if you need to change the address information via email. We will confirm your details have been changed if we can and please allow a few hours for us to confirm receipt of your request.


Q: What is in the crap present ?

A: well… not a lot really…  you will get a special certificate which you can write on yourself or we can personalise in crayon before posting. Then the gift which provides all the information and instructions as to how to fully enjoy the gift, where to go and what to do. We also provide additional really crap bits to enhance the experience and make it really special.

Q: How big is the present ?

A: This all comes in a C5 blue envelope… so you cant miss it. Dont get your expectations to high as it is crap, but we hope it will give minutes of enjoyment to that special person and make them laugh.

Q: Are the Crap Presents really crap ?

A: YES… not sure which part of Crap you don’t understand


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