Indoor Allotment Gift



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Indoor Allotment Gift

 ‘Growing your own vegetables is food for the mind and body’*  Well, that’s what Bob from down the garden centre said, and he’s about 105 years old and looks like he’s got radishes growing out of his ears, so he should know. Love our Indoor Allotment Gift

Allotments. There’s the growing of vegetables, sure. But allotments exist mainly to house ramshackle sheds that hide hen-pecked husbands sunk in mouldering armchairs drinking endless cups of tea, listening to the cricket on a radio they bought in the 1950’s,  who, without apparently ever touching the soil, end up growing onions the size of pumpkins and strawberries so sweet they’ll make you weep.

This gift offers all of that – without the shed, the husband, the tea, the cricket or the delicious produce. On the plus side, you don’t have to go outside (This gift is so lockdown**), and you might end up with something you can eat. (We’re a bit worried we could go right out the other side of crap with this one and it ends up being, well, not crap. Which would be crap.)

So, if you know anyone that looks hungry, give them this gift.  We dare you.

Suitable for:

Anyone not living under a bush



The Mustertrapton family from Eccles


  • Stop looking out of the window, it won’t help
  • Decide where your allotment is going to live – corner of a room, table, windowsill, somewhere that gets a lot of light.
  • Construct your allotment using the following: – a small container for your allotment, some soil/compost or compost substitute (dirt isn’t for everyone – get creative, shredded newspaper, pet sawdust maybe?)
  • Spend some time deciding which of the cardboard veg you’re going to cultivate
  • Arrange the veg in the allotment taking care to leave enough space between for them to grow
  • If you’re using actual seeds, please consult an experienced gardener at this point – we can’t help you
  • Otherwise – Congratulations! You have created your Indoor Allotment

Upgrade your Gift

Throw caution to the wind and provide some seeds. You know, stuff that will turn into actual food.

Love this gift – then we think you would also think our Easiest Jigsaw


Crap Presents Delivery Information

We do only post within the UK

We do post to BFPO (British Forces Post Office) addresses, as long as it has a UK postcode

Envelopes are provided loose inside the postage envelope for you to use, if the crap present is not personalised and delivered directly, as specified during the checkout process.

We post ALL Crap Presents second class. This is the ONLY postal service we provide – we do not offer an alternative crap service.

Once the purchase has been made, they are posted the next working day. (i.e, if ordered on a Monday, we will be posting the item on the following Tuesday). If an order has been made on a Friday, this will be posted the following Monday. (unless this is a bank holiday and then we wont bother)

We post Monday to Friday ONLY.

The postal service is provided by Royal Mail and they claim to deliver the item the following day after posting, although the service can take anytime up to 5 WORKING DAYS.

We don’t have any control over the service Royal Mail provide – although we are always happy to help if the item has still not arrived after the 5 WORKING DAYS. Our Crap Presents are usually received within 2-3 working days.

If you have NOT received your order within 5 WORKING DAYS, please do contact us as there may have been an issue with the postal service. Our presents may be crap but we will do our best to help.

The address we use to post to comes from the details on you order – therefore please ensure these details are correct at the time of purchase as we cannot change the address once it has been posted. Please do contact us asap if you need to change the address information via email. We will confirm your details have been changed if we can and please allow a few hours for us to confirm receipt of your request.


Q: What is in the crap present ?

A: well… not a lot really…  you will get a special certificate which you can write on yourself or we can personalise in crayon before posting. Then the gift which provides all the information and instructions as to how to fully enjoy the gift, where to go and what to do. We also provide additional really crap bits to enhance the experience and make it really special.

Q: How big is the present ?

A: This all comes in a C5 blue envelope… so you cant miss it. Dont get your expectations to high as it is crap, but we hope it will give minutes of enjoyment to that special person and make them laugh.

Q: Are the Crap Presents really crap ?

A: YES… not sure which part of Crap you don’t understand


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